lonely lovely city

lonely lovely city

Thursday, October 27, 2011


I haven't blogged in awhile because a part of me is tired, emotionally and physically. After a majority of my work is workshopped at school, I feel gutted like a fish. And then, I retreat. Its what I seem to do when the world caves in. Call it the arrival of fall along with the cold, contemplative weather, but I just seem to be reluctant to share any intimate thoughts. Lately, certain relationships in my life are changing. Some are getting stronger and others are dissolving. I have a hard time with this. Change, that is.

Maybe this makes me weaker than I thought? There is something about this year that is pushing me forward. For one, the advent of my graduation next spring and what waits for me in the unknown. Also, it might be the transformation of my thoughts concerning others. So many of the people I thought I knew, I don't. They have changed so radically, that it is impossible to communicate, let alone exchange our experiences. This is where I know I need to move to the next level. Some of the friendships I relied on for so long are shifting. The scary thing is jumping one step further and taking a risk that will make me uncomfortable. I know that those people that were in my life for quite some time had to move on eventually. I just didn't know it would transpire so soon.

Yesterday, a classmate recommended a book about a woman who quits her job and spends all of her money doing something that scares her every day of the year. She goes skydiving, visits a haunted house, eats meat for the first time, asks somebody out. You get the idea. Anyway, she wrote about it in a book and created a dialogue in which the notion of change is being underscored. While my life at the moment is structured with responsibilities, at some point I know it will change. I will have to face the moment where I realize turning a chapter is necessary for my personal development.

I admire people that can tackle such a project where they approach the things in life that terrify them. Mine is the dating and writing world. So much of how I refer to myself is aligned with how others have rejected me. Men mostly that tossed me out. And, then the people at school that trash my work with their criticisms. It hurts to be vulnerable and open and raw. I don't like it. It is a major risk. I am trying not to sound negative.

It would be great to do something that scares the living shit out of me where I jump and say yes. But, what if I did it? That could be an interesting premise, I am sure. I keep thinking about the song from the 60's about change. It is still popular. The lyrics say that time won't change me, but I need change. What does change mean for you? Do you embrace it? Or do you reject it?

Tuesday, October 4, 2011


I am sure many of you are thinking whether Amanda Knox murdered that young woman? I thought I did, but I am not sure.

For the past few years, I've been curious about how an American girl from Seattle could get caught up in such a media storm, become convicted, appeal her case, in tears, pleading her innocence, and have the verdict, in a Italian court overturned? It blows my mind how someone unknown and small as a college exchange student could generate such world wide attention and walk away a rich, infamous woman whose life will never be the same. While many at work and school discuss the ensuing debate, judgement comes near and far.

Some have said she did it. Others have said the opposite. I won't say what I personally believe, because I lack the pertinent facts. My gut, however, does have an instinct. It seems that the way we judge a person based on the assumption of what we are told, and quite possibly, what we want to see, builds the outcome of how we believe a person is to be. I am floored with how much press this case has garnered. Its like you are presented a certain amount of information about something, and then you're expected to make a determination. Not fair.

I think that judgements are very painful and realistic. While some say they don't, they do. I do too. At times. I might not make it external for others to know, but I hold my own suspicions of what is accurate. When I am placed in the middle of a situation or watching something unfold, I try not to be hasty, thinking the worst about someone. What is so intriguing about this woman is that she is the seemingly all american girl who was afforded a round life, one of wealth, health, priviledge, safety, education, stable parenting, and a certain amount of entitlement, which is fine, if you are lucky to be granted such a blessing. But, what is it about her that makes others want to watch and judge? Is it her allure or her beauty? Is it the judicial system or the heinous act itself?

Why are judgements so easy to assign? Does human nature create a divisive engagement with how we relate to others? And, is it fair to brand someone a murder when they claim otherwise? I am so on the fence with this one. Comments please!