lonely lovely city

lonely lovely city

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Essential list

A good friend recently compiled a list while on vacation to Maine. It was the forty things to do before you're forty list. On the way home after our Spanish dinner in Brooklyn, I thought about this list with all of its absurdities and uncertainties as I rode the L train back into the city. I looked at a handsome couple holding hands, with the young woman's head on her boyfriend's broad shoulder, their hands intertwined, his eyes gazing onto the plastic white wall with its endless stream of advertisements above me. They appeared happy and connected with the occasional, long one minute kiss. They were content with one another, with their non-verbal communication saying everything about this hefty devotion for one another.

It made me think how beautiful it is to be in the moment and do things that we love, to surround ourselves with others who matter, who we love as well. Then, I thought, I am one year older than my friend. I've got about two and half years until turning 40 happens to me.

40 is my scary age. For some it is the mid forties or even the fifties. For me, 40 seems to become the moment in which I am no longer a young person. I know, it sounds crazy and negative and self-defeatist, but in my mind, its true. I look at my parents when they were 40 and it seemed so far, so foreign, so old, so not me, that I would never have to deal with it for a long, long, long time.

And, yet, in a couple of years, it will arrive, if I am so lucky.

I have yet to fully write this list. It calls for such an emotional upheaval, a mental preparation where I not only say it aloud, but do it. That is what this list is for, to actually commit to each and every one of them.

What I also love about this list is that it dares me to be imaginative and brave. If there's one thing about me is that I thrive on limits. It provides a safety net, a deadline in which I have to meet. It could be credit card that needs to be paid off or an article that needs to be written for work, or it could just be a obligation that I need to honor, or a medical appointment that I have to submit my time towards. Whatever the case may be, I seem to respond to limits. It keeps me in check and creates a corridor of balance on this crazy island I call home. But, how safer can I be? I am getting bored with routines and cycling the same social and physical circles. I need something that will foster a spark within. This list just might do the trick. Who knows? Stay tuned.

As far as the inconsistency of the writing for this platform, I've required a bit of distance from the written word to just be and live without having to write something for someone who is supposed to read but rarely does. The break has been kind of nice and peaceful, but now I want to get back out into the world again with my stories and thoughts. I hope that you will join me with these new, impending waves, and to believe in my work once more, and to understand that even if we don't know each other, we are connected in some unexplained way, to learn and grow, and to share.